I got my period today, the first one since the miscarriage. It's brought up a bunch of emotions. I would have been 14 weeks along and probably fitting into maternity clothes by now. I work with a girl who's pregnant. She's constantly talking about ultrasounds and asking me about maternity bras. She's young and stupid and looks up to me but I just want to stab her in the eye.

I have an image that I keep seeing when I close my eyes. It's of the ultrasound when I went to the hospital. There's a dark circle with a very small baby in it, but no life. It haunts me. It reminds me of how I felt very alone in that room with the ultrasound tech who didn't say a word to me. And the silence as she attempted to hear a heart beat.

I'm sad and carrying around some rage. I wish I could just have the day to myself, but I have Luke with me and then I work 3-11 tonight. It's difficult to let go.

My imaginary day to myself would include a walk, reading, a sad movie (steal magnolias?), ben and jerry's, and a few drinks with my girlfriends. That sounds wonderful.

California 2011

Boy we had a great time in California, though it was exhausting. Whenever we go, we have at least 3 sets a family to visit plus friends (if we can squeeze it in). Adding Luke to the mix always adds a little drama. He did pretty good for a 3 year old. Our first day we flew into LAX and drove to my dad's new place in Morra Bay. A big travel day. My dad's place was gorgeous and had a great view of the ocean.

I'm not sure what the official name of this is, we were calling it "the rock".

When my dad was working we explored the area.This was on a state park.

Luke steering at my dad's job site. His new job looks like it will be about 3 years work with more potential projects down the line. Which is great news. California is building again!

The gum wall in downtown San Luis Obispo. Very cute college town (home of Cal Poly).

Me and Dad on his deck. He cooked us his famous Tri-Tip... mmmmm.

Few from dad's deck. Love those California sunsets.

Then we drove down to Santa Barbara for the weekend. Al's Mom was able to meet us there along with his Aunt Terri, and cousin's Kristen and Ali. Luke was thrilled to have a kid to play with.

We went to Alice Peck Park to feed the ducks....

ride the carousel...

and play at the park.

Then we went to the pier and the water center. That place was very cool. The kids got to touch everything. Here they are petting a small shark.

The place is staffed by lots of teenagers (I assume volunteer work) and they were pretty knowledgeable about marine biology. Here they brought up some sand from the ocean floor and are searching for small creatures/items to view under a microscope. Cute little scientists :)

Putting on a puppet show for us. I believe to story line was about making friends.

The whole gang on the pier.

Pelican posing for pictures. He was also begging the fishermen on the pier for fish.

Luke holding up some calamari. His cousin was a little grossed out.

Great seafood on the pier. Did I mention I gained 5lbs on this trip. Ugh. On a funnier note, when Alan was eating this, a piece flew onto the forehead of a French Tourist (who was pretty pissed).

The whole purpose of our trip was to attend Mike (Alan's youngest brother) and Bethany's wedding. It was beautiful.

They were married at the Stow house in Goleta (just north of Santa Barbara).

Luke loved his tie.. he wore it several times throughout the trip (attached to his t-shirt).

Hear comes the bride.

Groomsmen in bow-ties and suspenders.

Bridesmaids pretty in peach.

The kiss (or I should say kisses). These two were adorable. They honeymooned in Greece and just got a little apartment in Santa Barbara to start there married life together.

We didn't get any pictures hanging out with Al's dad and family :( Kind of forget to bring the camera. Oh well. Luke saw many of his grandparents and was big hit with all of them. I think he's a little confused that all of these people have the same name.

Next on our trip we headed back down to LA for DISNEYLAND!!! I'll do a separate post for that. It. was. awesome.

The fair

Summer is not complete without a trip to the fair. We didn't take the stroller this year as much as I would have liked to strap Luke into it. I'm not a fan of huge crowds and a wandering toddler. We did our usual things: wood carvings, animals, food, and rides.

We stopped by the big Toyota both to see some of my old coworkers. They were giving away mustaches.... awesome!

So awesome that I made it our new header. The old one was a little outdated.

And face painting... Luke choose a fishy this year

Yay woodcarvings!

wood sheep

Luke loves sheep. He says they are his favorite animal.

Extreme close up!

Cute pigmy goats

I'm looking forward to the day when Luke can go on these rides

But for now, we'll do the carousel

Till next year