Finding Normalcy

I returned to work Monday. All of my co-workers know whats going on since they knew I was pregnant and I needed to take the week off at the last minute. I got a lot of "how are you doing?" followed by an intense look of pity. I was kinda of hoping I could just focus on work and not think about the last week. But I'm sure things will get easier.

I'd like to pretend nothing happened last week and that I was never even pregnant but I still have a daily reminder of some of the physical stuff I'm still dealing with. TMI alert! It's kind of like after birth.... a super long gross period. And since there is a chance of infection... I can't use tampons. I don't think I'll quite feel like myself until all of this is over.

A couple of people have been asking when we'll try again which is irritating to me. Can I physically heal from my current miscarriage first?! I know they don't mean to come across this way but it seriously minimizes our pain. My midwife said we could try as soon as I have my first period (which could be 4-7weeks) but she was more concerned with when we felt emotionally ready. Some Dr.'s recommend anywhere from 2-3 cycles. I don't know when we'll try again. Part of me wants to try again right away but another part of me wants to give up on having anymore kids. I know the next pregnancy will be filled with fear and secrecy. I'm grieving the joy we used to feel.