Hcg

I pulled this image from a hcg search, ignore the red "data" line, it doesn't apply to me

So I've had two blood draws, each a week apart to check my Hcg levels, which is something I requested not what my midwife recommend. My first one came back at 1038 at 5 weeks and the second came back at 6083 at 6 weeks. This is good. My levels are normal and doubling a little less than every 72 hours. I also found a study that looked at what Hcg levels were at 16 day past ovulation (dpo). Of the 48 women who had levels of 200-299, 96% carried their babies to full term. Of the 105 women with levels above 300, 100% had healthy pregnancies. Based on my levels at 21 days, I believe 16 dpo would put me at 275 (math is not my strong suit).

All of this is very reassuring but I still feel like I have a 50/50 chance. I know I'm pregnant but I'm guarded. I'm having a hard time telling people because it causes me to become more emotionally invested in the pregnancy. The more invested I am, the harder it will be if things don't work out. Plus, my last baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks. I think I'll feel better after I hear a heart beat.

I love Midwives

We had our first midwife appointment yesterday a 5 weeks, which is kind of early to go in. Many doctors won't see you until 6-8 weeks along. We are seeing a different practice than we saw with Luke. While we loved them, their practice is getting pretty large and they focus on delivering at their birth center. We really want a home birth (and live within one mile of a hospital in case of emergency). I'll get more into home birth later.

She spent 2 hours with us talking about medical history, Luke's birth, and our miscarriage. It almost felt like a counseling session. Midwives provide emotional support, knowledge, and give you choices. She was very comforting as I'm a little paranoid about the losing another baby. I really want this baby. My next appointment is April 18th (8 weeks along). By then we should hear a heart beat. I can't wait to hear the precious sound.

Here's a link the our midwives website, if your interested: Snohomish Midwives

Olive

Today would have been my due date (but if it would have been anything like Luke, I would have been over due). Alan and I decided to name the baby. It's hard to mourn someone who never fully existed. A name gives an identity even if it is imagined. We decided on Olive. It symbolizes Peace (as in: an olive branch). And I wanted something that was based in nature. I can't help but imagine what little Olive would have looked like. I see her as a mass of light brown curly hair, green eyes, freckles, and a smile that changes her whole face (just like Luke).

I had intended on getting a tattoo of her name similar to the script above but I'll have to put that on hold for now. Because I'm 4 weeks pregnant! I'm not ready to fully announce it yet... so don't expect a phone call for a couple of weeks. And if you read the blog, please keep it to yourself for a little while. I'm really scared I'll lose this baby too. I don't know how I would get through it again. I'm seeing my midwife on Monday, which should be reassuring. I've been lightly cramping, which is normal, but all I can think about is last time.

But for today, I'm remembering baby Olive.

Our poor fish(es)

First we got Ken, a red male beta fish. We thought it would be cool. I've had beta fish before, one even lasted a couple of years. Ken only lived a few months. Over Christmas weekend, Ken was left in an unheated room (cough, Alan, cough) and died when his water was too cold. Luke was sad until we told him we could get a new one.

Enter Abooka. That's what Luke named her. She was a blue female beta. She, sadly, also only lasted a few months. About a week ago, Luke woke me up holding the fish in this shot glass. He was trying to change her water (or so he says). After a long talk about "not touching the fish", I thought he had learned his lesson.

Until yesterday, when Luke came into my room saying:

"I think Abooka is dead"

Me: "Why?"

Luke: "She's not moving"

Me: "Did you touch her?"

Luke: "No, I think daddy fed her too much"

Me: "Your shirt is wet, are you sure you didn't touch her?"

Luke: "I didn't do anything."

At which point I went to check things out in the kitchen (where the fish bowl is). What a scene, water everywhere and a lifeless fish who had obviously been squished. Next Luke was sent to timeout.... hence the picture above. Boy does he look guilty. Don't be fooled, he's not upset that the fish is dead, he kept asking for a new one.

I don't think he meant to kill it. He doesn't quite understand how fragile something so small is and he doesn't understand the permanence of death. I guess what I'm most upset about is that he lied about it. I've read that it's a natural reaction for kids but I don't like it.

Anywho, no more fish for now.

Dance Party

My Boy likes to dance....



We were at a restaurant (in our own section) when the music took over his little body.

Luke will be 4 in July and is starting preschool in the Fall. PRESCHOOL!! sigh... wish I could stop him from growing up. But, he is going to love school. He's super social and outgoing. He makes friends easily and is ready to learn about everything. I'm always amazed at how quickly he picks things up. This morning he told me that Flamingos are pink because of the algae they eat. Did you know that? I didn't. I had to look it up to see if it was true.

Lately....

I've been kind of bad about blogging lately. Here's a round-up of what we've up to the last few months (in no particular order):

It snowed...

a lot.

We spent lots of time indoors. Thank goodness for our membership to the children's museum. Here is Luke checking out some x-rays of animals in the "vet room"

Alan and Luke skipping rocks. I love this picture.

I attempted to teach Luke Tic-Tac-Toe.... he likes the X's

We went to the Burke Museum. Luke is a bit obsessive about dinosaurs of late. So We took him to see the dinosaur fossils.

Mastodon

Found shells and crabs with Marie and Russel.

Ate yummy donuts

We went to the Seattle Aquarium. Luke brought is magnify glass to investigate everything.

I rode a whale.

Due Date

This is a ultrasound of a baby measuring 6.5 weeks. I never got a copy of mine (I wish I had). It is what I remember on the screen. A tiny little baby.

I've been dreading March 22. It's a month away but it's staring at me. I did request the day off from work so at least I won't have to deal with that but I know I will be sad. I want to do something (other than wallow in my own self pity) to remember her. I don't know that I ever mentioned this but I started calling the baby a girl. Just a gut feeling. I've been toying with the idea of getting a tattoo but I don't know.

But I did read something the other day that was comforting. In this study, and others like it, it was found that the baby's cells can pass into the mother, navigate through her body and implant in various organs. Since the fetus is full of stem cells one of the theories is that they repair and strength the mom to ensure the baby will survive. Who knows if my baby made it this far but I chose to believe that she is still with me, making me stronger.