Finding Normalcy

I returned to work Monday. All of my co-workers know whats going on since they knew I was pregnant and I needed to take the week off at the last minute. I got a lot of "how are you doing?" followed by an intense look of pity. I was kinda of hoping I could just focus on work and not think about the last week. But I'm sure things will get easier.

I'd like to pretend nothing happened last week and that I was never even pregnant but I still have a daily reminder of some of the physical stuff I'm still dealing with. TMI alert! It's kind of like after birth.... a super long gross period. And since there is a chance of infection... I can't use tampons. I don't think I'll quite feel like myself until all of this is over.

A couple of people have been asking when we'll try again which is irritating to me. Can I physically heal from my current miscarriage first?! I know they don't mean to come across this way but it seriously minimizes our pain. My midwife said we could try as soon as I have my first period (which could be 4-7weeks) but she was more concerned with when we felt emotionally ready. Some Dr.'s recommend anywhere from 2-3 cycles. I don't know when we'll try again. Part of me wants to try again right away but another part of me wants to give up on having anymore kids. I know the next pregnancy will be filled with fear and secrecy. I'm grieving the joy we used to feel.

Our Sunflower

Al and I thought about how we should honor our baby and where we should lay him/her to rest. We thought initially about our backyard but didn't like the idea of someday moving away and leaving the baby there, and not being able to visit. My mom suggested a flower box which was perfect. We choose a strong happy flower that loves the sun. It feels good to do something... this process makes you feel pretty powerless.

We've accepted and are making peace with our loss. My emotions are still all over the place, I'm sure my fluctuating hormones aren't helping. My mom took Luke for the weekend which has been nice for me and Al to relax and reflect. Luke is his normal self. He knew early on we were having a baby and we explained in the most simple terms that the baby didn't make it. He kind of gets it in a toddler-logic kind of way. He doesn't understand the emotion or really anything beyond his own needs. In many ways he has been a wonderful distraction. After we told him he just said "oh" and started talking about superman.

To those that have sent emails, comments, messages, flowers, and cards... Thank you! Your support means the world to us and has been tremendously helpful to know we are not alone. I found this poem on a miscarriage message board (it doesn't have an author) but it describes how I've been feeling.

How do you love a person
who never got to be,
or try to envision a face
you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one
who never got to live.
When there's nothing to feel good about
and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby,
my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours,
beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before
you ever were born,
to live the lovely night of life
and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby,
you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby,
just as if you'd lived for years.

loss

If you haven't already seen the Facebook post, we lost the baby this afternoon. Honestly, I'm relived that the worst part is over. I realized as I went through this that I really had no idea what to expect. I've heard of people having miscarriages but never knew about what actually happens. I don't really know why. Perhaps it's too painful and private or maybe there is some subconscious shame. I know I'm experiencing all of that including shame. I know in my head that there was nothing I could do and it's not my fault but I still feel like I should have been able to protect my baby and that I have somehow failed as a mother.

I believe that baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks like the ultrasound showed but who knows when he/she past. My body continued supporting the pregnancy until Tuesday not recognizing that the baby was gone.

When the baby finally passed I kept it. I couldn't bear to flush it, it didn't seem right. Alan and I are going to name it and bury it in our backyard. I hate calling the baby "it", we never learned very much about him/her. But we loved our baby. This is tough. I miss him/her already.

I still have an appointment Friday morning to check me HCG levels but I already know what is happening. I'm losing the baby. I haven't stopped bleeding, still cramping off and on, and I don't feel pregnant anymore. My heart is broken.

I've been researching my options for when everything is confirmed on Friday. All of the options are awful and carry some risk of infection or fertility complications down the road. I think I'll let it pass naturally, it seems like the best way to honor my baby.

waiting...

At work today I started bleeding. It seemed like a lot. I know small amounts are normal, but I was also cramping. I went to the hospital to get checked out. And after many invasive tests all they could tell me was I was measuring small (6.5 weeks). I have a 50-60% chance of miscarriage. I should stay home for a few days and then go back in to see if my HCG levels increase.

So we're waiting... a very awful kind of waiting.

I have a previously planned midwife appointment tomorrow, hopefully she can refer us somewhere for the testing. I feel pretty numb.

8 weeks

Little alien about the size of an olive

In brighter news, I'm about 8 weeks prego. I still haven't seen my midwife yet. We've been trying to figure out our health insurance (my current private plan or starbucks plan). Open enrollment just started and my new plan won't take effect until October, but of coarse I'll be seeing her before then. Insurance companies drive. me. crazy. Between co-pays, coinsurance, deductibles, in network, and out of network... my head is spinning.

Other than that, my symptoms have been really manageable. I haven't gained any weight yet (yay!) but my waist is "thickening" <---- nice way of saying I look chubby. The baby is about the size of an olive but the uterus is the size of a grapefruit. It's causing my intestines to be pushed up hence the "thickening" waist. I'm calling it my poop bump.

Classy, I know.

Money....

Last week our front yard slowly sprouted a pond. Never a good sign, especially since it hasn't rained in a while. After several estimates and hoping it would be a simple (cheap) fix, it turns out the water main from the street to the house must be replaced. Some said it "could" just be repaired but who knows how long it would last until another leak popped up. It was replaced today and I suppose I should be grateful they fixed it in under 8 hours and my water didn't need to be shut off over night but, it's hard to part with money that was carefully saved over a long time.

That money could have paid for the next baby's delivery costs.... now we start over. I'm a little bummed.