Heartbeat!!!

While at my brother's new house, my mom checked for a heartbeat. It took a while to get the  right angle but we heard a heartbeat yesterday. A strong 180 beats per minute. My mom is convinced it's a girl and has named her Leia (not going to happen). The only bummer is that Alan wasn't there to hear it. He was out shootin' with the boys (that's another story). We tried to find it again but no such luck. My next midwife appointment will be at 12 weeks.

Appointment update

I had my midwife appointment yesterday. It went well, I'm still pregnant. We couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler, but 8 weeks is a little early to hear it. I was a little disappointed but I'm feeling more confident in the pregnancy. For one thing, I can't button my pants any more. And I'm nauseous all. day. long. Not fun, but reassuring. The midwife said it's hard to find the heart beat when babies are so small (I believe the size of a kidney bean right now) but, she thought the baby was moving around. My mom is borrowing a doppler from her clinic and we are going to try again Saturday night. If we still can't find it, my midwife said I could pop in for a quick heart beat check in week 10 if I wanted.

Right now I'm battling Luke over breakfast. He would like an english muffin with butter and sugar on it (no doubt, he got that from his dad). I told him his topping options are butter (without sugar), peanut butter or jam. Of coarse, he reacted by running to his room crying over my tyranny. A similar exchange has happened two more times this morning and he has now settled on apples, cheese and crackers.

I'm trying to find the energy to clean up because my house is gross and covered in little dried play dough bits. But, I'm exhausted and it's only 9:30am. I'd use synthetic energy (aka coffee) but that makes me want to barf.

I think I'll just lie in bed for the next few weeks instead.

Jordan's 21 run and Easter

Alan photo bombing with jello shots

My baby brother turned 21 last week. Myself and his other older siblings (and in-laws) half been taunting him for the last year. There were threats of throwing up in public and getting arrested but it ended up being pretty tame. Probably because I was the designated driver and kept all the drunks in line. In fact Jordan was the only one of us that didn't participate in any underage drinking (go figure).
We went to three places: an Irish pub with live music, a fancy beer bar, and a dive bar. At the dive bar we played pool and Alan drank enough to karaoke Bon Jovi (the highlight of the evening).

The next morning was Easter. Luke, Marie and Russell opened their baskets and I cooked everyone breakfast.

Marie and Russ in disguise.

Then we had an egg hunt in the backyard. We found them all except one... it still hasn't been found.

Luke was so excited every time he found an egg and shouted "AN EGG!" Until he found a rolly poly and then he wasn't interested in search for eggs anymore. Bugs trump candy.

Russell opening all his eggs from the hunt.

Hcg

I pulled this image from a hcg search, ignore the red "data" line, it doesn't apply to me

So I've had two blood draws, each a week apart to check my Hcg levels, which is something I requested not what my midwife recommend. My first one came back at 1038 at 5 weeks and the second came back at 6083 at 6 weeks. This is good. My levels are normal and doubling a little less than every 72 hours. I also found a study that looked at what Hcg levels were at 16 day past ovulation (dpo). Of the 48 women who had levels of 200-299, 96% carried their babies to full term. Of the 105 women with levels above 300, 100% had healthy pregnancies. Based on my levels at 21 days, I believe 16 dpo would put me at 275 (math is not my strong suit).

All of this is very reassuring but I still feel like I have a 50/50 chance. I know I'm pregnant but I'm guarded. I'm having a hard time telling people because it causes me to become more emotionally invested in the pregnancy. The more invested I am, the harder it will be if things don't work out. Plus, my last baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks. I think I'll feel better after I hear a heart beat.

I love Midwives

We had our first midwife appointment yesterday a 5 weeks, which is kind of early to go in. Many doctors won't see you until 6-8 weeks along. We are seeing a different practice than we saw with Luke. While we loved them, their practice is getting pretty large and they focus on delivering at their birth center. We really want a home birth (and live within one mile of a hospital in case of emergency). I'll get more into home birth later.

She spent 2 hours with us talking about medical history, Luke's birth, and our miscarriage. It almost felt like a counseling session. Midwives provide emotional support, knowledge, and give you choices. She was very comforting as I'm a little paranoid about the losing another baby. I really want this baby. My next appointment is April 18th (8 weeks along). By then we should hear a heart beat. I can't wait to hear the precious sound.

Here's a link the our midwives website, if your interested: Snohomish Midwives

Olive

Today would have been my due date (but if it would have been anything like Luke, I would have been over due). Alan and I decided to name the baby. It's hard to mourn someone who never fully existed. A name gives an identity even if it is imagined. We decided on Olive. It symbolizes Peace (as in: an olive branch). And I wanted something that was based in nature. I can't help but imagine what little Olive would have looked like. I see her as a mass of light brown curly hair, green eyes, freckles, and a smile that changes her whole face (just like Luke).

I had intended on getting a tattoo of her name similar to the script above but I'll have to put that on hold for now. Because I'm 4 weeks pregnant! I'm not ready to fully announce it yet... so don't expect a phone call for a couple of weeks. And if you read the blog, please keep it to yourself for a little while. I'm really scared I'll lose this baby too. I don't know how I would get through it again. I'm seeing my midwife on Monday, which should be reassuring. I've been lightly cramping, which is normal, but all I can think about is last time.

But for today, I'm remembering baby Olive.

Our poor fish(es)

First we got Ken, a red male beta fish. We thought it would be cool. I've had beta fish before, one even lasted a couple of years. Ken only lived a few months. Over Christmas weekend, Ken was left in an unheated room (cough, Alan, cough) and died when his water was too cold. Luke was sad until we told him we could get a new one.

Enter Abooka. That's what Luke named her. She was a blue female beta. She, sadly, also only lasted a few months. About a week ago, Luke woke me up holding the fish in this shot glass. He was trying to change her water (or so he says). After a long talk about "not touching the fish", I thought he had learned his lesson.

Until yesterday, when Luke came into my room saying:

"I think Abooka is dead"

Me: "Why?"

Luke: "She's not moving"

Me: "Did you touch her?"

Luke: "No, I think daddy fed her too much"

Me: "Your shirt is wet, are you sure you didn't touch her?"

Luke: "I didn't do anything."

At which point I went to check things out in the kitchen (where the fish bowl is). What a scene, water everywhere and a lifeless fish who had obviously been squished. Next Luke was sent to timeout.... hence the picture above. Boy does he look guilty. Don't be fooled, he's not upset that the fish is dead, he kept asking for a new one.

I don't think he meant to kill it. He doesn't quite understand how fragile something so small is and he doesn't understand the permanence of death. I guess what I'm most upset about is that he lied about it. I've read that it's a natural reaction for kids but I don't like it.

Anywho, no more fish for now.